At the end of January, I found myself in the ER with horrific pain on my left side. After CT scans and ultrasounds, it was discovered that in addition to the ovarian cyst that had ruptured, I had a massive ovarian cyst on my right side. Follow up appointments were set, I saw a gynecologist (who was a jerk and I will probably write about him more in the future), and now I’m waiting to meet with the surgeon.
Here’s the thing: even though my gynecologist did blood work, there’s no guarantee this massive cyst isn’t cancerous. That won’t be determined until it can be removed and biopsied. And there are risks to any surgery.
Beyond this, its likely both ovaries will have to be removed. Now, at just shy of 31 years old, I’m pretty certain I don’t want babies. At least not ones that I have to birth myself. And I’ve been considering adoption and fostering for a while anyway. But to suddenly be presented with the prospect that even if I change my mind about babies, I won’t have a choice, has been difficult.
Growing up, I was dead certain I was going to be a mother with several biological offspring. I was fascinated by babies. I watched parenting shows on PBS as an elementary school student. I went with my mom as she did parent classes and gave parenting presentations. I hovered nearby whenever my baby cousin was around, trying to soak up any tips or tricks. I was the first person to volunteer for a babysitting gig.
And then life happened. I went to college, got a series of less than glamorous jobs. I live alone, I’m single, and I like it that way. I watch my friends with their kids, listen to them complain about not having any money, and I don’t mind my childlessness.
Except that now it could be going away forever. Should I live to 80 will I regret that I didn’t get pregnant while I had the chance? Or will this be a blessing? No more periods, no pregnancy scares, no worries?
I also worry about the surgery itself. I don’t know what my dad would do if I didn’t make it, especially after my mom died five years ago. He’s a pretty stoic, logical person, but I think he would somehow blame himself about all of it.
So, now I wait. Wait until I get my surgery consult. Wait until I go into surgery. Wait to wake up. Wait to get the results.
KT Byrde Writes 